LDS

I went to my first LDS event tonight, a wedding reception held in the LDS church. And before I explain what I saw, I have to tell you overwhelming sadness I felt leaving that place. I was sad for the people, for the bride in particular. She was perfectly happy standing there in her modest gown, but she was doing just that. Standing in a line. For the whole 2 hour reception the family and bride and groom stood at the front of the room as people walked through to congratulate them. It's like the LDS lifestyle is so limiting it's unfair. I can't even see the value of the things they limit. Caffeine, any skin above the knee, any skin above the shoulder, a collarbone for crying out loud. One of the most amazing things about being a woman is being able to use small parts of my femininity to feel sexual or sensual or even just plain pretty. The church has gone to such lengths that it's almost painful for me to watch people experience less. It bothered me in Marshall that people were so rooted in that town that they would never leave, even on vacation. But here it's the religion that is limiting and the people are just plain brain-washed. I don't know how else to say it.

Let me explain why I felt sad for the bride. I know, as I was planning my wedding and reception, going to great lengths to make sure everything was beautiful and entertaining and memorable, I took pure joy in that this experience was one of a kind. Maybe some don't treasure it as much but looking back all I can see is how wonderful every single second was, even the stressful parts. The amazing part of being a Christian is free will. I don't feel confined to a box or held up to a standard or only allowed to do so much. I can have a religious ceremony anywhere on God's green earth and God will love it because we included Him. But this bride had to have hers in the temple, and that is the only way she wanted it. Which is fine, if thats what she wants, but who's idea was that? you know? Every other Molly Mormon did it that way, so what makes hers unique? Not only that but her mom couldn't be present for the ceremony in the temple because she wasn't up to date with her tithing, which they strictly enforce if you are active in the church and intend to do temple time, or whatever. Her Mom.

I have a laundry list of things I find disturbing about the LDS faith and it grows daily. It's not the people, the people are good. It's what they live for. If this faith and lifestyle is what you're rooted in, then what is it exactly that you believe? Why is it right? Have you ever EVER questioned it? Why can't you drink coffee? Why can't you show your thigh? Why can you wear a normal swimsuit but not a sleeveless shirt? Why are men who are 18 known as Elders? Why can't a kid go to college before he goes on his mission? Why does he have to go on a mission? Are those good reasons, are they reasons to keep your life so vanilla? I just want to shake them sometimes.

Perhaps I shouldn't be sad for the bride since this is her life. A cinnamon roll and hot chocolate wedding may have been her dream, but I don't think it was. I don't think she would have picked a short sleeve wedding gown if she could have picked any dress she wanted. I don't think she would have stood in one spot for the entire reception if she had the option of floating around to talk to people. These people are missing out on life for no good reason.

Control Freakish

Never in my life would I have described myself as a control freak. In my normal everyday at home world, I'm not. Only at work. I feel like anything I want done correctly I have to do it myself. I have never been that way, I've always been kind of go-with-the-flow, laid back and easy going. But in my adulthood I am becoming more controlling. Maybe because I work with a team of people and when someone does something wrong it reflects poorly on all of us. So to avoid that, I insist on doing things myself and sometimes I think that hurts peoples feelings. I don't mean to, in fact that is the last thing I intend. I think it's more of a self preservation thing. I just want things done right the first time so that I don't have to redo them when someone gets it wrong.

I don't like relying on others to get work done. Because others often let you down, only because they're human. It's that forgetful, busy, sidetracked nature in people that annoys me. I wish everyone could have the presence of mind I do when I'm at work. I wish others were as detail oriented. I wish others would see things ahead of time that need to be done and just do them, instead of waiting for someone else to notice.

I don't know if it's just time for a new job or what, but I am seriously having a hard time just existing at work without getting pissed off about something. Everyone is irritating and the work I do is so unsatisfying. I cannot seem to find a place in healthcare where I fit. I've thought about it and this is just not the industry for me. What industry is, though? I have seemed to hate everything I've ever done. Maybe I'm just focusing on the wrong things. I need to pray for direction and an open door, something that I want to go to. Surely God has a better idea of what I need.

Is it me or has everything changed?

I think its me. I returned from Alaska a week ago to find my world turned upside down. All week I've just kind of been in a sleepy daze, wondering what to do, where to go, what to say when people ask questions. It feels like I'm not ready to face society just yet, like I forgot how. Church is different, everything is big and impersonal, not like it should be. I felt very much out of place there last night. Relationships are different, Benom now has a girlfriend and feels like he needs to act like it. I don't feel like I can be myself around him with her there, she'll wonder why I say the things I do, and what I really meant by that, and if me and Benom share things that she and Benom don't. My company is different, I feel so alone. Like not relatively, genuinely alone in the literal sense. Theres not really anyone to talk to, mom and dad are so busy and so are my friends. Everyone has lives that they had before I got here and no ones stopping to make sure I'm comfortable. Not that they should, its not their responsibility, but I really feel like there is no one who understands me right now. Except for maybe Josh, he felt the same thing when he came home, he felt like everything had changed when really, he was the one who did the changing.
I know something is different in me, I have different priorities, objectives, I want different things for myself, I don't feel so superficial. I need less. I don't need to see 'my shows' every Thursday night, I don't need to go out to feel like I'm doing something. I need something else now, something big. I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to get it. I'm feeling very very lost and its extremely confusing and frustrating. The only way to get away from it is music. It's amazing what music can cure.

Me, No Exceptions

Lindsay Beth Perry,
aka Linds, Lou, Lou Lou, lil' Linds
Born April 19, 1984 in Odessa, Texas
Brown Hair, Blue Eyes, Fair Skin
5'3", 110lbs (on a good day)

MY HEAD:
right brained, rarely thinking in numbers or logic, but more in creativity and effeciency
mature, experienced in life for a 20 year old, has known too much adult life
sick, suffers from depression and occasional anxiety


MY HEART: more active
passionate, when i love you is said, it is meant and followed through with
stubborn, reluctant to admit error and listen to the wiser
impulsive, acts on what is felt, not much thinking done before decision making
not soft nor hard, depends on the situation and how much compassion is deserved
selfish, takes care of number one then number two and three
Christian, strives to be Christ like and to finish well